I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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