I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
