Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
