I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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