My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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