I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize