I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Sober January is a disaster.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
