Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
