the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
