Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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