Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
