We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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