Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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