I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
