Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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