the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Did I show you my penis last night?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
