I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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