there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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