I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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