I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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