yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
