How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
