got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
