I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
