I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize