Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
