I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize