I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
