I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
