On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
