just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize