hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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