I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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