i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
