Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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