Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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