I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
