you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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