I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
