Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize