I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So drunk its hurt
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
