please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
