I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
