I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
