Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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