FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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