the only muscles i have these days is kegels
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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