he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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