The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
