I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
