you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
