is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
