called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
