You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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