Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize