someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
