When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
