My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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