Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
