i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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