Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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