Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
