MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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