I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
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