Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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