You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You can't special order awesome
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
did i walk over a car last night?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
