my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Come share oat with me in your robe
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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