did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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